I’m Okay To Be Not Okay

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Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

Living with Anxiety is a nightmare for me, I don’t know when and how it will end. In an easier term, I worried a lot, and overthink about everything, even for a small matter. I keep trying to make everything perfect and I will blame myself when things do not go smooth as plan, even if it something that I cannot control. My anxiety becomes a big deal in my life. I have a sleeping problem which makes me have too little amount of sleep, I lose my appetite to eat and my emotion is unstable.

At some points, I was frustrated and tired. So, I decided to get treatment with a combination of medication and psychotherapy from the expert. Isn’t ironic I need to take pay to have good and enough sleep? I feel like my anxiety has won over me and it was affecting my relationship with people around me.There’s a time when the relapse punches me harder and I used a short-cut to cope, I cut myself. hannah-xu-bcxUo09lhwE-unsplash 2 I decided to cut myself. It did help, but just for a temporary period and it destroyed me more. I hide it from my friends and family because I was ashamed. I scared people will judge and leave me.

The fact that I need to face it every day haunts me.I knew I am the man behind all my anxiety, it was my fault to have this curse. Not so long ago, I realized I need to remedy my thought. The current situation helps me to reflect and have a conversation with my family about my current situation.

I was grateful they didn’t judge but they understand. I don’t say I completely healing from my anxiety. But, I want to learn to forgive my past, for the better version of me.

Being not enough and not perfect always annoy me, and it hurts when I tried so hard but I can’t get what other people have. It hurts when I put 100% of effort but I still miss a thing. From now, I want to learn to love what I have other than blaming something I cannot control. When you think you are different and you want to change for other people, please think twice. Sometimes you need to make your standard and don’t follow others. Living with Anxiety is never easy, but I can proudly say I’m okay to be not okay.

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